Tobi Calls Australia!
by Sarah1281
Summary: Mary Sue is very excited when she accidentally calls half of the Akatsuki to our world...until they kill her and decide to take over the world. How do they fare and what's happening back in the Narutoverse as a result?
1. Chapter 1

Tobi Calls Australia!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Note: Because every time the Akatsuki comes to the real world, I die a little. :p Takes place right after Sasori's death.

Mary Sue, typical rabid Naruto fangirl that she was, was very upset by the way the episode she had just witnessed had played out.

"No!" she cried, distraught. "Sasori's dead! He was so pretty…Creepy, but pretty. I just hope this 'meet with my spy' thing doesn't mean more Orochimaru. It's not like I _want_ to see him as a pedophile, it's just that every other word out of his mouth just screams 'Do Not Leave Alone With Children'…" She shook her head and consoled herself that at least Sasuke and Kabuto – both very pretty people themselves, if a bit unstable – would be making a return. "I wonder what's been going on with Sasuke. Knowing Orochimaru, he'll have him running around shirtless or something…"

Mary Sue reached for the mouse to click on the next episode when she accidentally knocked her bowl of Ramen (for how could she possibly watch Naruto without it?) onto the computer. She winced and ran from the room to get a towel and hopefully salvage some piece of her beloved computer.

- -

The Akatsuki were having a meeting after their successful extraction of Shukaku and their slightly less successful 'dealing with the last-minute rescue.'

"Explain to me again why **I** have to be the new guy's partner, yeah," Deidara demanded.

"Because you're the one with a recently deceased partner and everyone else is happy with their partners," Pein explained patiently for the fifth time that meeting. "Right?"

Konan quickly nodded her support.

"Itachi's the best partner I've ever had," Kisame averred.

"Kisame and I work well together," Itachi spoke up.

"I don't even have a partner," Zetsu's white half said.

"And I am just fine with that," the black half added.

"Tobi can't wait to work with Deidara-senpai!" Madara enthused. "Tobi will learn so much, he can already tell."

"I want a new partner," Hidan announced.

"Me too. I'll switch with Deidara," Kakuzu volunteered.

"Well, now that _that's_ settled-" Deidara began cheerfully.

"It's not settled," Pein argued. "Hidan, Kakuzu, you guys can't trade partners."

"Why not?" Hidan whined. "We really fucking hate each other."

"Be that as it may, you've both killed all of your other partners," Pein reminded them.

"We'll talk later," Kakuzu whispered to Deidara.

"So, if there's nothing else then you can all go. With any luck, we should have the Nibi by the end of the month," Pein told them.

He, Konan, Kisame, and Itachi left while the others stayed behind.

"Maybe we could pretend to keep our current partner arrangements," Deidara suggested. "If you kill Tobi, I'll claim he wandered into a hole and died. They'll probably believe me, yeah."

"Deidara-senpai, be fair," Madara pouted. "Tobi hasn't fallen in a hole in at least two weeks!"

"Wow," Hidan said, shaking his head incredulously. "That's really – what the hell is that?"

The others turned to see what had disturbed their most religious comrade and saw a bright light moving closer to them.

"It looks like a bright light enveloping us," Zetsu's black half said unnecessarily.

Hidan snorted. "No shit."

The light reached them and they could see nothing for nearly a minute. When the light receded, they were in what appeared to be a bedroom staring at a girl with blue hair who was holding up a towel.

"Oh my God!" the girl shrieked. "I know you're not supposed to spill things on your computer, but I thought it was just going to break, not bring Anime characters to life!"

"Who are you?" Kakuzu demanded angrily. "What's going on? Where are we?"

"I'm Mary Sue," Mary Sue introduced with a bright smile. "Don't bother remembering it, though, since I only answer to Haruno Sakura. I would be so much better than that pink-haired bitch you guys know. I mean, GOD, she is _so_ pathetic. All Naruto wants to do is love her but she abuses him every time she turns around! Not to mention her obsession with Sasuke. Can't she see he's in love with Naruto? Or maybe Itachi, I'm not sure. And Naruto could do **so** much better than her it's not even funny. Like me! Or Hinata, she's always liked him. Or Temari, they seemed to be getting along during Gaara's rescue. Tenten would be cute with him…Or Ayame! She could give him ramen. And Tayuya is so fiery and exploited by Orochimaru just like him. And even Ino is so much less shallow than Sakura. Then again, Sasuke and Naruto DO have this incredible bond that no one could ever hope to break. Although, Itachi is probably the sexiest Anime character I've ever seen and I refuse to believe he's evil, so he and Naruto might be good together. But Gaara and Naruto are the only ones who can understand each other's pain…And Naruto has changed Neji's life so much, too. And then there's Kakashi-"

The Akatsuki, who had been staring at Mary Sue in confusion and slight horror during her rant, suddenly came to life.

Kakuzu was fastest and stabbed the Sakura wannabe in the neck. "Just shut up already!" he ordered.

"Oh, way to go," Hidan snarked. "Now we have no idea where we are."

"Oh please, like you weren't about to do the same thing," Kakuzu said dismissively. "Besides, I really don't think she was planning on answering that question anytime soon."

"Now what?" Deidara wondered.

"Now I'm going to take her heart to bolster my immortality," Kakuzu announced.

"As long as we kill people, I don't fucking care," Hidan added in his two cents.

"Can I eat the rest of her when you're done?" Zetsu's black half asked eagerly.

Kakuzu shrugged. "Fine by me."

"Oh, oh!" Madara started jumping up and down. Never let it be said he wasn't an opportunist. "Tobi has an idea!"

Deidara rolled his eyes, annoyed already. "What?"

"Tobi wants to take over the world!" Never let it be said that Madara didn't have a one-track mind either.

"Hm…that was kind of what we were planning before, except there's probably no Bijuu here…and we don't know if there are any ninja," Deidara mused, considering the idea. "I suggest we start killing people and see if anyone can stop us."

"I knew I wanted you for a partner for a reason," Hidan said approvingly, allowing a sadistic smile to spread across his face.

- -

"Madara and the others have been gone for two months now," Konan exposited. "I think we should just accept that they're gone and move on."

"But we can't collect eight Bijuu with only four people!" Pein protested. "It's just impractical and I hate recruiting. S-class Missing-nin don't grow on trees, you know."

"Madara said his Sharingan was needed once all the Bijuu were gathered so since he's not here, we couldn't really do that anyway." Konan paused. "Whatever 'that's was."

"Maybe Itachi knows. It's **his** distant undead relative he likes to pretend he doesn't know, after all. Or maybe he or Kisame have suggestions on what to do now. I'm going to summon them," Pein told Konan.

Ten minutes later, the other half of the Akatsuki finally deigned to answer their call.

"Yes?" Kisame asked, trying not to sound too eager. "Do we finally get to kill something?" Itachi never let him kill _anything_.

"Possibly," Pein allowed. "I have something to confess to you both."

"We already know you and Konan are together," Kisame said, sounding bored. "You're not exactly subtle."

Konan glared at him. "And we all you know you want to be with Itachi but don't stand a chance because he's way too pretty for you and not into bestiality."

Kisame gave a mock-shudder. "Cold, Konan. Very cold."

Pein coughed pointedly. "As I was saying, I need to tell you something. 'Tobi' was actually the alias for the real mastermind behind the Akatsuki: Uchiha Madara."

"That's strange, because the way I heard, the whole Uchiha clan was wiped out ... by-" Kisame started to say.

"Yes, yes, you said the same thing when you met Sasuke," Itachi interrupted.

"I'm just saying, one survivor could be a mistake, but two? That's just sloppy," Kisame criticized.

"Madara wasn't even in Konoha and Sasuke started crying," Itachi shot back. "You know I draw the line at killing crying people."

Kisame grinned. "Oh, yes, I know. It just means more blood for me."

"Right," Pein said, trying to get them back on track. "Well, Madara said that by gathering the Bijuu, he would create lasting peace. Do either of you know anything about that?"

"Gathering Bijuu to create peace?" Kisame repeated, confused. "How? By ensuring they can't be used for violent ends?"

"No, he was planning on combining the nine Bijuu into the Juubi and becoming a Jinchuriki. Then he wanted to use the moon – which he said was the Juubi's corpse – to put everyone under a genjutsu forever," Itachi summarized.

"Was he high when he came up with that?" Kisame asked incredulously.

"I have often wondered that myself," Itachi admitted.

Pein looked uncomfortable. "Well, he mysteriously vanished so we couldn't implement that plan anyway. Does anyone have any other ideas?"

Kisame snorted. "Here's one: make sure the people in charge of coming up with plans are sober."

"Duly noted," Pein said dryly. "Itachi? What do you think?"

"You could always try and unite all the minor villages so they could deal with the bigger villages on a more equal level," Itachi offered.

"That could work," Konan said approvingly. "The problems Amegakure faced are common problem among the lesser nations."

"I don't think that will be as effective as the 'traumatize the world into peace' plan, but I recognize that that plan will take time and an alliance would only increase our legitimacy," Pein agreed reluctantly.

"This DOES mean we get to kill people, right?" Kisame asked, almost desperate.

Pein nodded. "Lesser nations often have petty tyrants ruling over them, officially or otherwise. Just look at the problems Wave was having a few years back."

- -

"So you're telling me the Akatsuki has honestly decided to drop the 'capturing Bijuu' plan and have taken up international diplomacy instead?" Jiraiya's disbelief was palpable.

Itachi nodded. "Pein was reluctant enough at first, but the lesser nations were very receptive and they have achieved very promising results."

"Didn't you say he only thought peace could be achieved through excessive violence?" Jiraiya asked shrewdly.

"Konan is trying to talk him down from that and the more successful the alliance is, the more progress she is making," Itachi explained.

"I see. Are they still anti-Konoha?" was Jiraiya's next question.

"They are anti-Konoha, anti-Suna, anti-Kiri, anti-Kumo, and anti-Iwa," Itachi replied.

"So should we be concerned?" Jiraiya queried.

Itachi considered the question. "They don't trust any of the Great Five Shinobi Nations, but there are no plans to attack unprovoked at present."

"That's good," Jiraiya said, relieved. "And there's still no word from Madara?"

"None," Itachi confirmed. "He and others disappeared without a trace."

"So the threat of Madara and of the Akatsuki as a criminal organization are gone," Jiraiya concluded.

"So it would seem," Itachi concurred.

"So what are your plans now?" Jiraiya asked, seemingly casual.

"Nothing's changed; I'm still considered a missing-nin and Amegakure remains one of the few places willing to harbor me. I will probably stay there until Sasuke is strong enough," Itachi decided.

"You could do that," Jiraiya agreed easily enough. "On the other hand, Tsunade is looking for representative from Konoha to deal with this new alliance Pein has formed. They would trust you more than anyone else we could send."

Itachi blinked. "I'm a missing-nin."

"We can get around technicalities like that," Jiraiya said dismissively.

"How?" Itachi demanded.

"We can reveal you were assigned to keep an eye on Madara and now that he's gone your mission is over," Jiraiya responded.

"And the Massacre?" Itachi challenged. "The attempted coup cannot be revealed."

"It won't be," Jiraiya assured him. "Madara could have been the sole perpetrator."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Why would I have taken responsibility? Why would I have left Sasuke alone? He was _eight._"

"You were leaving anyway and would have been labeled a missing-nin for your cover. Having killed your clan was a far more believable reason for leaving than just not being bothered to stay, especially in the wake of the tragic Massacre. As far as Sasuke is concerned, if he wanted vengeance – which anyone who has spent more than five minutes with him could tell you that he would – blaming you would keep him safe from chasing after Madara and getting himself killed," Jiraiya said smoothly.

"The Godaime would be okay with that?" Itachi was skeptical. The Sandaime was very sorry, of course, and had promised to protect Sasuke but he had basically been told that he was on his own and could never come back.

"It was Tsunade's idea," Jiraiya revealed. "Morality aside, you are a very talented shinobi and have more than proven your loyalty so as long as Konoha isn't implicated in what happened, the Council is fine with it. Danzo thinks it would be sending the wrong message to others who have sacrificed themselves who wouldn't get an opportunity like this, but it's not his decision."

"That is a very generous offer," Itachi said neutrally. "And far more than I ever expected. Still-"

"If you returned, Sasuke would be sure to follow," Jiraiya interrupted. "He's wasted the last two and a half years with Orochimaru - who murdered our Hokgae and led an invasion into our Village - and sooner or later Tsunade will have to acknowledge this."

"What do you propose I do about that?" Itachi asked tiredly.

"You come back, he will return to kill you if nothing else," Jiraiya replied. "You two can sort your various issues and, whatever the outcome, people who care about Sasuke will be on hand to keep him in Konoha."

"You've made your point," Itachi conceded. "You are going a great deal further than would be expected for my brother. Why do you care so much about him?"

Jiraiya snorted. "Truthfully? I don't. I'm not even sure I met the kid. My idiot apprentice, on the other hand, can't seem to go a single day without mentioning him…"

- -

"I spared your life on a whim, nothing more. But this time, my whim is telling me to finish what I started," Sasuke claimed.

"Oh, come off it, Sasuke. Just come back home with us already," Naruto entreated. "You can't possibly enjoy life with Orochimaru more than life with us. I mean, even Sai isn't annoying enough for me to willingly spend more than five minutes with Orochimaru."

"What was that, dickless?" Sai inquired politely.

"Make that ten minutes," Naruto amended.

"There is nothing left for me in Konoha," Sasuke said coldly.

"Your brother's in Konoha," Naruto countered.

Sasuke, as expected, froze. "What?"

"Yeah," Naruto confirmed. "He's actually not as bad as I thought he was. He apologized for trying to kidnap me and for stopping us from getting to Gaara on time."

"But he's** evil**!" Sasuke objected.

Naruto merely shrugged. "I really don't know much about it. When he heard I was coming to look for you, though, he said to tell you that if you were still obsessing about vengeance, he'd be waiting for you in Konoha."

"So if I want to kill him, I have to go back to Konoha?" Sasuke demanded. "Does he enjoy torturing me?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Sakura asked.

"So, are you coming or not?" Naruto asked impatiently.

"Fine," Sasuke sighed. "But I don't want to hear _anything_ about me or staying or whatnot until I confront Itachi."

"I'm afraid I can't let you leave, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru said, his words dripping with false regret. "I need your body, you see."

"You guys distract Kabuto," Sasuke ordered, activating his Sharingan. "I hadn't been planning to do this for a few more weeks and under vastly different circumstances, but…"

- -

"That was a bit of a letdown, yeah," Deidara said, disappointed.

"Oh, I don't know," Hidan disagreed. "There were a lot of people we got to violently kill."

"And I won't be wanting for hearts for quite some time," Kakuzu added.

"Tobi calls Australia!" Madara announced.

"Fine, Tobi, you can have Australia," Zetsu's white half agreed.

"But there really weren't any strong fighter to challenge us, yeah," Deidara complained. "And it probably should have taken us longer than three months to conquer the entire planet."

"You shouldn't complain; you made creating explosions the universal pastime," Kakuzu pointed out.

"True," Deidara admitted, allowing a smile to flit across his face at the mention of his art. "But think of how awesome things would have been if poor, dead what's-her-name hadn't brought us here…"

Note: Sasuke & co. did, in fact, make it back to Konoha. What happened then? Well…

Review Please!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Note: So some people said that they thought five people conquering the world in three months was unrealistic but no one said anything about how spilling ramen on a computer bringing them to the real world in the first place was, which I think is the stranger of the two.

"Is it just me or is Tobi going mad with power?" Deidara asked, mildly concerned.

"I don't know what you mean," Kakuzu replied. "He seems to be doing just fine. And he's stopped stealing all your clay."

Deidara frowned. "Yeah, but I don't know. Something still seems off about him."

"Who the hell cares?" Hidan asked bluntly.

"What is he doing to concern you?" Zetsu's black half asked.

"And is it really such a problem?" the white half continued.

"I'm not sure if it's a problem," Deidara hedged. "But he's laughing maniacally every twenty minutes or so. And he made orange spiral masks part of Australia's mandatory dress code."

"He's just having fun; it's best to leave him be," Kakuzu advised. "He'll probably take any insanity he has out on the Australians and on the off chance he does snap and try to kill us…well, MOST of us have invested in immortality, so we'll be fine."

Deidara sighed. "Okay, that was officially the least reassuring thing you could have possibly said…"

- -

One week after Sasuke decided to return to Konoha and three days after he actually did, he and Naruto were on their way to confront Itachi. Well, Sasuke was. Naruto just didn't want to let Sasuke out of his sight just yet.

"Have I mentioned how excited I am that you're officially back in Konoha?" Naruto asked, practically bouncing down the street.

His companion rolled his eyes. "Only thirty-seven time since I left Orochimaru."

"Speaking of, do you really think it was a good idea to absorb Orochimaru?" Naruto asked, sobering slightly.

"I don't see why not," Sasuke answered. "It got rid of him, didn't it?"

"True," Naruto conceded. "But it also means Orochimaru has finally achieved his long-term goal of getting inside your body."

"You make it sound so sordid," Sasuke said reprovingly.

"It's kind of hard not to," Naruto claimed. "I mean, every other thing he said to you contained some kind of innuendo. And when you consider that I was travelling with Ero-Sennin for the last two and a half years, if I think it's excessive, you really shouldn't have stayed that long. Not to mention the fact he seems to have convinced you that _that_ was a shirt."

Sasuke glanced down at the material covering part of the top-half of his body. "Of course it's a shirt; what else would it be?"

"The closest Orochimaru got to getting you to walk around shirtless," Naruto replied promptly.

Sasuke decided to ignore that. "What's the worst that could happen?" he asked instead.

"What's the worst that could happen because you let Orochimaru inside of you?" Naruto asked rhetorically, making no effort to make that sound even vaguely appropriate. "Let's see, Orochimaru could take over your body from the inside when you least expect it. Not to mention that in the meantime your face grows flames on it at random intervals and you turn into some sort of mythical creature whenever you have a difficult fight."

"Such cynicism is unusual for you," Sasuke noted.

"If you get absorbed by Orochimaru because you were too stupid to realize willingly allowing Orochimaru into your body was a bad idea, I am going to be **pissed**," Naruto warned. "And the flames and blueness look really stupid. I just can't take you seriously when you're like that, no matter how powerful it makes you."

Sasuke just shook his head before changing the subject. He'd never actually looked in the mirror when he'd transformed, but surely it didn't look THAT stupid, right? "You know, it's strange but I think you may actually be happier to see me back than my myriad of fangirls and they haven't stopped celebrating yet."

"Of course I'm happier," Naruto agreed. "I'm the one who actually went out and dragged you back with the help of my new personal hero, your brother."

"You didn't _drag_ me back; I agreed to come," Sasuke argued automatically. "And will you stop calling him that?"

"But he did more to get you back here than virtually anyone else," Naruto pointed out.

"What part of 'he's evil' and 'he massacred my family' and 'he left me alone and comatose' don't you get? Evil people are not supposed to be your hero," Sasuke lectured.

Naruto looked at Sasuke in confusion for a moment before comprehension dawned. "Oh, right. You haven't gotten a chance to talk to Itachi yet, have you?"

"You know I haven't. The Godaime just let me out of her sight twenty minutes ago," Sasuke reminded him. "And the minute we got back you dragged me to see her."

"It sure was nice of baa-chan to reveal to everyone that you were on a top-secret mission to spy on Old Man Hokage's killer until you got an opportunity to take him down and us showing up to 'rescue' you provided you with that opportunity," Naruto remarked.

Sasuke looked annoyed. "That's not what happened and you know it."

"So?" Naruto asked with a shrug. "That's the official story so it might as well have happened. Besides, do you _really _want to have your chakra and your Sharingan sealed and be stalked by ANBU until you've proven your loyalty to make sure you don't try to kill anyone you're not supposed to or leave again?"

"Well, no…" Sasuke admitted.

"Then just go with it," Naruto advised.

"What did Itachi tell people in order to get him accepted back?" Sasuke demanded. "Sakura said something about how even if he resigned from ANBU, he was promoted to Jounin. I know he's strong enough to be one and I could even conceivably accept that he would be back here – although I can't imagine why he wouldn't just be killed or at least imprisoned – but letting him remain a ninja? He already betrayed Konoha once."

"Don't be silly," Naruto said dismissively. "As future Hokage, I could never have a traitor to Konoha as my hero."

"Then you'd better find a new hero," Sasuke recommended. He paused and shot a suspicious look at his friend. "You do realize that a missing-nin is, by definition, a traitor to their Village, right? Which, in Itachi's case, is Konoha."

Naruto flushed. "Of course I do! It's just…well, you should probably hear it from him."

"So where is he, anyway?" Sasuke asked, refusing to give into the impulse to just force the blonde to tell him. "You never told me where we were going."

"He said he'd be at our old training ground," Naruto replied. "He wanted there to be plenty of room and not many people around in case your reunion got a little bit…intense."

Sasuke snorted as they turned down the path leading to the training grounds. "Intense? Now that's an understatement if I ever heard one."

They were quiet until they reached the designated meeting place.

Itachi stopped his training when he sensed their approach. "Sasuke."

"Uchiha Itachi," Sasuke said flatly. He started to charge at his brother, a chidori already forming.

"Wait, wait, wait," Naruto said, sounding amused and a bit frustrated. "You're gone for two and a half years for the sole purpose of getting strong enough so you don't get your ass kicked as easily as you did the last time you saw Itachi and yet your first reaction upon seeing him is to do the EXACT SAME THING as it was the last time? Truly you were right in going to Orochimaru. I can tell you've learned so much."

Sasuke stopped, eye twitching. "I would have activated my curse seal, but I thought you'd start in on your mythical creature theory again."

"Oh, I would have, make no mistake," Naruto assured him. "In fact, I might do it anyway. I don't think I ever told Itachi about that."

"Why are you even here?" Sasuke demanded. "It's hard to get vengeance when you won't shut the hell up."

"You'd think two and a half years in Oto would help you to, oh, I don't know, **focus solely on your vengeance **to the exclusion of everything else. That's why you left, isn't it?" Naruto asked.

"To be fair, no one in Oto annoyed me _nearly_ as much as you do," Sasuke defended.

"I resent that!" Naruto objected. "After all, Orochimaru was in Oto. And Kabuto, too! Besides, if I left and you killed Itachi before he told you about that tragic misunderstanding, I would never forgive myself. And if I can't save my new hero from death by tragic misunderstanding, how could I ever hope to be Hokage?"

"You know, you seem to give yourself twice as many requirements for Hokage as anyone else mandates," Sasuke told him. Then the rest of what Naruto said hit him. " 'Tragic misunderstanding'? Are you kidding me? What have you been telling people, Itachi?"

"It does not matter," Itachi said shortly, dropping into a defensive stance. "Let's see if your time in Oto has served to make you str-"

Naturally, knowingly perpetuating a tragic misunderstanding was not something Naruto was going to stand for. "What do you MEAN it doesn't matter?" he demanded angrily. "How can it not matter? It changes everything!"

"Look, do you actually know anything or are you just trying to be annoying?" Sasuke asked impatiently. He'd been in Itachi's presence for over five minutes now and had yet to attempt to kill him and that just wasn't right in his book.

"Hey, I don't ever try to be annoying!" Naruto said indignantly. At Sasuke's skeptical look, he backtracked slightly. "Well, not usually."

"Are you ready, little brother?" Itachi attempted to get Sasuke back on the path of trying to kill him. Forcing him to acknowledge that they were, in fact, related usually did the trick.

"What's this 'truth' Naruto claims he knows that changes everything?" Sasuke challenged instead. "I wouldn't want to finally kill you just to find out that it's not really you but you secretly possessed someone else and I have to deal with any complications their death may cause."

"It's nothing of the sort, I promise you," Itachi denied. "Now, let us begin-"

"Okay, I can't watch you do this, Itachi," Naruto declared passionately. "You're just going to end up getting yourself killed."

"That is the general idea, yes," Itachi murmured, wishing he'd reunited with Sasuke when Naruto wasn't present as then they'd surely be locked in an epic genjutsu battle by this point.

"Whose side are you even on?" Sasuke asked, appalled.

"The side where innocent people don't die," Naruto answered virtuously.

"I-innocent?" Sasuke sputtered. "You're sure you're talking about _my_ brother? Have you suffered a serious head injury recently?"

Naruto considered the matter. "No worse than the usual where I say something stupid and Sakura-chan hits me."

"Are you on any drugs that may or may not be legal?" Sasuke pressed.

"What?" Naruto cried. "Of course not!"

"Then what are you on about?" Sasuke asked bluntly.

"We really don't have time for this," Itachi insisted.

That, of course, guaranteed that Sasuke would take all the time in the world to hear what delusions Naruto was operating under. "I've waited eight years for vengeance. I can wait five more minutes."

"Well, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be telling you this," Naruto began. "But since Itachi apparently can't be bothered to do it himself…Eight years ago, your brother was assigned a top-secret mission to infiltrate the Akatsuki so he had to become a missing-nin."

"And the only way he could think of to achieve that status was by massacring my entire family?" Sasuke asked incredulously, his hatred growing despite the fact that many felt that was an impossible feat. "You'd think just up and leaving would be enough for that." He stopped as he remembered his own situation. "I mean, granted, it didn't work that way for me, but I had been led to believe that such lenience was an unusual occurrence."

"Of course he didn't kill them!" Naruto declared sincerely, albeit falsely. "He was assigned to keep an eye on your supposedly dead relative Madara, who was the real mastermind behind the Akatsuki. Madara was apparently all pissy because your family chose to settle down and make peace with Madara's epic rival, the Shodai, instead of continuing to fight like he wanted to do. Madara left, came back to try to kill the Shodai, failed, and pretended to be dead for years. Then when we were all babies, he came back to try and destroy Konoha via the Kyuubi. When that failed, he decided to focus on a more realistic goal and a few years later killed your entire family. Fortunately, you and Itachi weren't home and when Itachi saw what had happened, he knew you'd want to go after Madara and either get yourself killed or manipulated so badly you wouldn't know which way was up anymore. Your brother still needed to leave for his mission as Konoha was next on Madara's agenda and you were a part of Konoha. Because of that, he decided to let you blame him so you'd stay safe and told you to seek vengeance so you wouldn't die of sheer emo-ness and would have a motivation to get stronger. But then you had to throw it all away by running off to Orochimaru…"

One part of Naruto's alternative history really stuck out to Sasuke and so he decided to address that first. "I wouldn't have died of sheer emo-ness!"

"So you say," Naruto scoffed, "but I remember you getting suicidal when you realized Zabuza wanted to kill you."

"I was overwhelmed by killing intent!" Sasuke defended. "And that was three years ago!"

"Excuses, excuses," Naruto said, shaking his head ruefully.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and then turned to Itachi. "Naruto's an idiot but he's also my best friend and he wouldn't lie to me, especially not about something like this. He really believes what he just said. Is it true?"

"Some of it, yes," Itachi allowed. Except for the part about him not being involved in the Massacre and the part where he was assigned the mission for a reason other than he needed something constructive to do while taking the blame for his family's attempted coup. Which Sasuke could never, ever find out about lest he completely lose it and seek vengeance on Konoha itself, which could only end badly.

"So you were just going to let me kill you without ever knowing the truth?" Sasuke realized, refusing to acknowledge the possibility he might not be victorious. "You bastard!" It was difficult to realize that half of his life was a lie, but Naruto wouldn't lie, Itachi had confirmed it, and Konoha had to have had some reason to let Itachi come back. Anger made it easier.

"Sasuke…" Itachi trailed off.

"Why?" Sasuke asked simply.

"I had to go and Madara was still out there," Itachi replied. That, at least, was true.

"So what's changed?" Sasuke demanded. "Why did you come back? Is Madara no longer a threat?"

"Madara vanished three months ago and has shown no sign of coming back and so my mission is over," Itachi revealed. "I was not actually planning on coming back, but Jiraiya was…very persuasive."

Naruto made a face. "Ero-Sennin? Persuasive? What, did he try to give you porn or something and you agreed to come back if he'd stop?"

"No, Naruto-kun," Itachi denied, to Naruto's immense relief and even more immense surprise. "He told me if I returned then Sasuke would follow."

"And then you'd let me kill you and hate you forever," Sasuke said bitterly.

"I wanted you to be able to avenge the Uchiha Clan since that was clearly so very important to you that you'd abandon all else to improve your chances or speed up my demise and it was mostly my doing," Itachi tried to make his brother understand.

"Why vengeance on you?" Sasuke challenged. "Why not Madara?"

Because Madara was out of his league? Because Itachi had been the one to enlist Madara's help? Because he had ultimately been the one to choose to kill his clan rather than let them destroy Konoha from within? "Madara is dangerous and I wanted to keep you away from him," Itachi said finally. "In any event, Madara is gone and so I am the only one you could seek vengeance on." The Clan, for all their faults, deserved justice and Sasuke killing him really was the best way to achieve that. Sasuke, despite his time in Oto, was still innocent enough to believe killing him would make it better but would his anger at thinking he'd been deceived be enough to move the boy to action?"

"So are you honestly trying to tell me that you care about me after all?" Sasuke asked uncertainly.

"You are as important to me as Konoha." That was probably the most honest thing Itachi had said in years.

"And remember, he's not actually a traitor," Naruto felt the need to point out.

Sasuke was quiet for a moment. "I don't want vengeance just for the sake of vengeance, you know."

Naruto had a coughing fit at that, but Sasuke dutifully ignored him.

"If you're not to blame…There's a difference between knowing Madara caused all of this and thinking that you didn't care and killed everyone just to see if you could or to test out your new Mangekyou Sharingan." Sasuke blinked. "Actually, about that-"

"I did kill Shisui," Itachi admitted to his little brother for the second time. "I regret it, obviously, or I wouldn't have gotten the Mangekyou. Still, it had to be done. I needed the Mangekyou for my mission."

Sasuke glanced Naruto's way guiltily for a second before quickly looking back at Itachi. "I'm really not okay with that, but I suppose it's better than you doing that just because you wanted power and then killing everyone for fun," Sasuke decided.

"I…" Itachi hesitated. "I did know that Madara was still alive and wanted vengeance. That was the reason for my mission, after all."

"Could you have stopped the Massacre?" Sasuke had never sounded so serious in his life.

"I do not believe that would have been possible without even more bloodshed and the Clan would have almost certainly ended up decimated anyway," Itachi said carefully.

Both Itachi and Naruto were anxiously awaiting Sasuke's reaction.

For his part, Sasuke closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Finally, he opened then and stared straight at his brother. "Is this the part where I decide that I still want vengeance? That a thirteen-year-old should have stopped a man who could go toe-to-toe with the Shodai and could control the Kyuubi? I never wanted to hate you."

Itachi's eyes widened slightly in surprise but he said nothing.

"Now's the time where you apologize for lying to him and live happily ever after," Naruto said helpfully.

Itachi smiled slightly and said, "I **am** sorry for hurting you, Sasuke, but I'm not much of a believer in happily ever afters."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You spend enough time with Naruto, you'll have no choice. That was actually part of the reason I left. I realized that I had accidentally gone an entire week without thinking about revenge."

"It's not my fault my optimism is contagious!" Naruto protested.

"You make it sound like a disease," Sasuke said dryly. "Although, thinking more on it, that's not a bad comparison."

"You know what?" Naruto said, crossing his arms and glaring at his friend. "I changed my mind. Go back to Oto."

Sasuke smirked. "Too late. I killed Orochimaru and my surprisingly not evil brother is here. You're stuck with me."

" 'Bring back Sasuke' she said, 'he's our friend and we'll miss him.'" Naruto shook his head irritably. "I swear, that's the _last_ time I promise Sakura-chan anything…"

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